Once again, I find it has been a month since I blogged. It is not that I am asleep and simply WAKE UP once a month, wander to the computer, type a blog entry in a fugue state, and then return for 30 more days of slumber. No! It is because I have been WRITING MY LITTLE FINGERS OFF.
Many of you are currently moving into dorms, and understandably, you have questions. Like, about your roommate for instance. When I went to college, I was pretty sure that roommates was selected in one two ways:
1. By some extremely cheap people matching software written by the same people who brought you Microsoft Windows Millennium (otherwise known as Microsoft ME, or Mistake Edition), an operating system famous for finding deleted viruses on your computer and reinstalling them for you and turning your computer into an unstoppable zombie machine by both crashing and then refusing to shut off.
2. By the people in the housing office, who carefully read every single application and profile and then got REALLY DRUNK and had a proper night of trying to make the most hilarious combinations possible. (That’s certainly what I would do in their shoes.)
The housing office staff
If there is any justice in the universe, and I think there is, then things have not changed. Which is why you, clinicalarachnophobe92, are now moving in with the current editor of TarantulaFancierBlog.com!
Plus, you will now be living in a room that, if in an actual human house, would have to legally be deemed a closet. Your furniture has been made by a company called Not Quite Good Enough for IKEA. Your neighbor is an aspiring DJ recently released from the Home for People With No Taste in Music, your Resident Assistant used to work for the North Korean secret police, and there is a dark green cloud hovering five inches off of the hot foods bar in the cafeteria.
Good! Everything is in order, then!
Still, it can sometimes take time to adjust to these new conditions. I am here to help.
@professor_moony How do I prevent overpacking for college?
College is a little bit like jail. You know how in jail, lots of things are used as currency, like cigarettes and food and magazines? College is the same way. You can pay for goods and services using everything from Doritos to hand tools to shoe polish. I used my handheld vacuum cleaner as a way of paying for dozens of trips to Taco Bell. So just bring everything. You will never know what you will have to barter.
@krislintz what if your roommate parties a lot and is super obnoxious?
Ah, the Party Animal. At college, the party animal is as ubiquitous as the common squirrel. You may find yourself living with the PA. Your first hint will be the morning you wake up and find his or her bed empty—and then when you are walking to the cafeteria, find him/her/it stuck in the shrubbery outside, emitting a low noise.
Drunk people are very easily confused, and there are a number of quick tricks you can pull to get some privacy and a good night’s sleep. For example, it’s very easy to make fake door number sign. If you are feeling fancy, get some of those stick-on house numbers from Home Depot or something, but really, you can just scrawl the number on a piece of paper. So when your roommate comes stumbling home, looking for room 216 and finds that Webster Hall, Room 216 has been replaced with 3472 Babcock Lane, he or she is likely to wander on and eventually just sleep in the bathroom or the aforementioned shrubs.
This kind of confusion can also work against you. I once fell asleep in my dorm room and forgot to lock the door, and a drunk guy wandered in, thinking he had found the men’s bathroom. Why he thought this, I genuinely have no idea. All I know is that I woke up to the sound of a fountain, and I remember thinking, “When did we get a fountain?” Except it wasn’t a fountain. It was this guy. And the thing he thought was a urinal was my roommate’s laundry basket. When we switched on the light, he was in the process of taking off his pants, which we confiscated before throwing him bodily out of the room, so what I would say to you is, if you live in a room near the bathroom, LOCK YOUR DOOR AT NIGHT.
@Spixdon How can I keep my roommate from eating my food?
I would take a page from any book on Eastern Philosophy on this one and suggest you eliminate the concept of “you”. There is no such thing as “your food” in a dorm. It’s like birdseed in a feeder. It doesn’t belong to any one bird—it belongs to the bird that is currently eating it. The upshot of this is that all the food also belongs to you.
Unless it is something really good, in which case you should hide it in your underwear drawer under your ugliest underwear. Eat it with the door and windows closed, in the dark, when your roommate is at class. Put the trash in the bathroom trashcan.
Are you going to eat that?
@hopeandcheer how do i deal w/ a roommate that says she’s a “death enthusiast” which i can deal with except she snores like a train.
No part of this sentence is good, but I can help you. First, I think you need to determine whether or not your roommate is in need of serious psychological help—in which case, you should speak to the people who run your building, who should be able to take over and get him/her the help he/she needs.
What I HOPE is the case is that you simply have an enthusiastic goth on your hands—which I know is kind of a contradiction in terms, but then, so is “death enthusiast.” I’m all for people having their phases, but “death enthusiasm” is one I have little patience for. So what I would say to you is TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME. What you need to become is a life enthusiast. Like the Spice Girls taught us, “All you need is postivity.” Make it your goal to be the Happiest Person on Campus. Smile till it hurts, at nothing. Smile at walls and doors. Wave at birds. Have a catchphrase, like, “I Believe in Rainbows!” Which is not only super-positive, but also really annoying because rainbows exist and there is no need to go around saying you believe in them.
This is you.
To aid you, I have created this diabolically cheerful playlist of songs—songs I have used successfully over the years to annoy and confuse my enemies and turn them around to my way of thinking. Put together, they are incredibly potent. This won’t be easy, but you need to play these songs OVER AND OVER as LOUD AS YOU CAN. Your problems should be solved in no time!
For the snoring, I suggest (if you have it) an ice cube to the head. It is very effective and the evidence melts quickly, giving you Plausible Deniability.
@viviannguyen naked bathroom dash, WHAT’S THR BEST STRATEGY?
One thing to remember here, and I cannot emphasize this enough: BRING. YOUR. ROOM. KEY. Put it on a lanyard and wear it around your neck. You are never FULLY naked without it. Also, learn the patterns of your RA and any building security and make sure the hall/path/green/walkway to the English building is WELL CLEAR of them before you make any naked runs. IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, leave clothes in a location on the other end of the run, and by clothes, I mean anything, including other people’s towels and /or trash bags.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
