Every year, I re-post the story of my Thanksgiving order adventure. This year is no different.
My note to the grocery store, re: Thanksgiving grocery order:
Hello!
A bit of a strange thing arrived in our last order from your store. Along for the ride, we found an empty pill packet (the thing you pop the pill out of, not the box) in with our groceries. For Viagra.
The groceries are in otherwise excellent order. Our only issue, really, is this physical remnant of erectile dysfunction medication in with our cranberries. This sounds like a metaphor but is not. We want everyone to have a happy and fulfilling life in all ways but I suppose what we’re imagining now is someone trying to make sweet love to our grocery order, and frankly, we feel uneasy about it. One doesn’t like to find Viagra *too* close to the turkey. How close is too close? This is probably too close.
I mean, the canned pumpkin is probably fine.
Happy Thanksgiving?
With love,
Maureen, Your Customer
Reply from store:
This is something that we are going to have reviewed by our transportation and packaging department. I ask that you discard of the product, should you have no use for it.
I have not heard of anything of this nature happening before
, so we will do our best to investigate this. I can confirm this is not on your order and you will not be charged for this unexpected item.
My reply to the store’s reply:
Thank you for your reply. It sounds like we won’t be charged for the used Viagra packet, which is great. It was definitely not on the order. Unless it was freebie of the week? Thanksgiving is about family, after all! The freebies recently have been things like pears and butternut squash, so this would be a big change from the norm.
As to discarding it, we probably will. Right now, we just have it sitting on the kitchen counter. I wouldn’t know how to cook it anyway. Maybe it could go in stuffing? Anything can go in stuffing. Stuffing
, if we’re being honest, is just kitchen garbage stuffed into a turkey and somehow it turns out good so I don’t want to discount this idea right away.
If you want someone to write up a recipe for “used Viagra packet and cranberry stuffing” I am willing to give it a go, because I am a big believer in cooking with whatever’s on hand. And this is on hand. This is maybe too much on hand.
Let’s not think about this too hard.
Oh dear. Nothing about this conversation is easy.
Just get back to me about the stuffing.
Thanksgivingly,
Maureen, Your Customer
The store’s reply to my reply to the store’s reply:
Thank you for contacting us about this situation regarding your order I can assure you that you most certainly will not be charged for the Packet which was located in your order.
Thank you for the offer of the stuffing recipe but it is not necessary.
My reply:
I know I don’t have to do this. I want to.
It doesn’t have to be stuffing.
The store:
Thank you for contacting us about this situation with your order and the Packet. We do not accept recipes through the Customer Service department.
Me:
Another thing you could use it for is for holding a really small amount of salt or some other seasoning. What do you think about that? For those times you need “just a pinch”! You always need a pinch of this or that with a turkey.
The store:
Thank you for contacting us about this situation with your order and the Packet. Please do not use the packet for storing food or measuring food. Please dispose of the Packet.
Me:
It’s almost a perfect 1/8 of a teaspoon.
The store:
Thank you for contacting us. Please dispose of the Packet.
Me:
Look
, I made a cranberry hat!
The store:
That’s pretty good.
One Response
Your Thanksgiving story is a hoot, Maureen! I thoroughly enjoyed it, as I do all of your writing! You may ask, “How did this Helen-person stumble upon my work?” As a fellow graduate of the University of Delaware (BS Chemistry ‘81; BA Art History ‘82), I stumbled upon you in the Alumni Magazine. Awesome article! Since I belong to a children’s-book writers-group and particularly savor YA, I was hooked and simply had to investigate your writing. Being a bit poor, I am anxiously awaiting the paperback version of THE HAND ON THE WALL. But in the meantime, I’ve devoured your “Little Blue Envelope” books and the “Shades of London” series, including THE BOY IN THE SMOKE (thanks to your email newsletter). Keep that delightful, witty, and atmospheric prose a-coming, please! Warm regards from a fellow Blue Hen…